It's not my laughter....

A sob that skips out of control
My muffled and suppressed cries
Its not my laughter as you think,
There is no joy in my eyes!

Freckled cheeks with twisted nose
Just big and tearful are my eyes
I am no beauty as you think
Just charm for a day till beauty dies

I am no showpiece you want to keep
To show your friend the prize you own
Don't lie me, as I know it now
You just like my beauty bone

You know me, I know honey
You know my voice, looks and touch
But I failed to make you known
To the beatings of my heart

My tears dry on my cheeks
And you mock how I weep,
Am I a fool to cry in vain,
for something I love so deep?

But now I rise my white silk's flag
I just want to quit it all
Do love once from deep inside
And you will know pain of the fall!

I can't cage bird that isn't mine
You are free as high you soar
But  one last time I want to tell
It's cry u hear, not my laughter's roar!

How I wish......

Swirling in the salty sea,

Surfacing to see the sun

I wish I were a dolphin...

And know the thrill when in run

I would escape the nets that sailor throws,

And would go for the Arctic race

Chase the schools of albacores

And dance at the thunder's pace

Or I can be a sea gull so white

That knocks at my window pane

And soar high with all my might

Fly and fly till I go insane

With wings to spread and legs so strong

Dodging every drop of rain

I will set only with the setting sun,

Thus it takes away my pain

Atleast, I wish I were like you

With legs to run and stalk the moon

Jump till clouds fly and sky turns blue

And have them as my greatest boon

Then, I will go for riding a horse

And gallop till heart says 'no more'

I may fall and hurt but this isn't the worse

Sometimes, sweet are pains and sore

But as I have wheels for legs,

They don't move on their own,

Please run away, my heart it begs

Till you see new day at its dawn

So I stare past my lone window,

dolphins, birds and you sometimes

Who swim, fly and run with such a glow.....

How I wish those legs were mine!!!!!!

Why me?... I ask.........

Why me?.... I ask....
Falling through the rumbles....
My already clueless life...
And that I am alone......
I lost the hand I thought would hold me till I find my way back?
Or.... you say...it abandoned me....
I am lost....but wasn't I before....?
Why me?.... I ask.....

Been this way....? hahaha... I don't exactly remember.....
But I have been the wall where you come... stone and go...
And I stand..... pretending it was muse...
But mind you... I was always alone....
Till the midnight.... till it dawned...
Till the rays of the sun poked my face for fun....
Mocking me...
Torturing me....
Scrapping my wounds deeper...
Why me?..... I ask......

No, my teeth haven't seen daylight for ages....
My lips don't tear apart and curve for smile....
Yet, I can show you.... I stand up every time you trick me to fall...
Gather my self...all the shattered pieces and move...
Yet... yet again I hope...the hands that I helplessly seek for is yours...
hahahahahah.... Why do false hopes haunt me?
Isn't the pain of the  falls enough?
But... god has to experiment....
And I am......nothing but a sample.....
But...why me?.... I ask......

There are men as much as hairs in my head.....
Some....black...some brown.... and some as good as gray...
But....still the pain... pain I bear is for me alone...
Million heads and billion ears
But my words go unheard....
Speeches fail me....
And... my heart beats against the will...
I live though.... I live for it all
And fall doesn't cease.....
But its me who falls.... and you never can realize the pain of landing...
Why just me?.... I ask......

My ears are open indeed....
I hear you cry.... hear you smile...
But your ears... they just hear you alone...
Your pain...
Your laughter.....
And eyes? My eyes betray me... yours are faithful....
I see you and you see yourself.....
But... why my own decided to cheat me against you?
Why me?.....I ask.....

Love you say?
Ya... it hurts....
I am foolish..... to the dust...
Can't help it....
My heart don't have eyes, ears or brain.....
And it beats yet for them.....
So, I can't be wise.... with brains to judge you and get you right...
Like everyone's do.....
But why can't I..?
Why me?.........I ask.....

I am collecting myself now.....
I will stand and move.....
I remember thousand times... I have given hand to warm hands I loved...
Yet... its just my legs that help me out now...
You are not in the picture...
But yes in memories.....
And they haunt.......they haunt me....
till I break... so you can point at me...."YOU ARE WEAK"
Yes, I am.....
But why me?... I ask....

With just you and me.....

 Just two legs to carry me, to accompany this far,
A wounded soul, punctured emotions, all bottled up in a jar
In a journey undecided, but no I am just not so alone
A pending life, with fate undecided....this journey I share

Was it the reason for my loneliness?, I question
Should I let it live, let it feel the pain of rejection?
'cause I know the vastness of the world is not enough to make you feel you belong..........
Or, let it strangle to death? I am yet to take that decision.....

                                   
                                                     Still, greed of the company of these several months
                                                     All unconscious precautions, all dos and all don't s
                                                     My legs carry me out of the place where they could have plucked it out of
                                                     my life                                                                                                                      
                                                     The life is no bed of roses, and I seem to have fallen for thorns

                                                     Am I getting greedy in LOVE? I so doubt
                                                     Am I scared to face alone what life is all about?
                                                     NO! It is my familiarity with the kicks that startle me when sound asleep
                                                     And, then I have become a daydreamer -- I hear it laugh, I hear it shout!

                                                    Waking up from dream scares me, tugs my heart down
                                                    Life, I know is nothing like walking under the smiling sun
                                                    How old am I? Not a day past two decades, yet so lonely and so young
                                                    Still, it came to me, for me to keep....whether its a curse or a boon

                                                    No, I am selfish, it's not for 'you' but for me that I am doing
                                                    I know, either way the oath leads to same path we are heading
                                                    And, I need a company, 'your' tiny steps to teach me walk again
                                                    Little hands to show me to live up the moment as life keeps passing

                                                    I need 'you' more than 'you' need me
                                                    I have seen enough, but still lot more waits for me to see
                                                   Guess, I need some more pair of eyes to realize the beauty life holds
                                                   Ok!!!! Lets think of happy ending, however tough it may be....

                                                   Believe me for last time, please...just for one last time....
                                                   We will hold each others back and we will be happy....
                                                   I already can see us... we smiling, laughing and pulling each other up
                                                   In the world of our own, with just happy us... with just you and me....

(NOTE: this poem refers to an unmarried girl in her early 20ies, who is disowned by family, its her thoughts.... when she goes for abortion but decides to keep the baby...)

As I hold my reflection's gaze

When I look into the mirror, the one staring back is not me
The girl looks like I do, but its you that all I see
The eyes hold up to their own dreams, but life works to seek  that of yours
All I see is stranger in her, not someone I ever want to be

She smiles when you ask for it, but it hurts her tender eyes
Laughters she lets out rings aloud more like suppressed cries
But I don't have zeal to smile these days, nothing I find cheering
So, stranger she gets as I look into her, someone I despise

She never dares to live her dreams, but dwells in fantasies you weave
She neither takes a fulfilling breathe, its a long sigh that she heaves
But in her eyes, I still get the glimpse of someone who resembles my soul
I have lost myself though long ago in the labyrinth of your beliefs

The cage you hold her is so gorgeous tempting all seven deadly sins
But long forgotten her voices are so loud, as in silence they seem to scream
I never find me in her, pains inside suffocate me to death
Its nightmare I am forced to live forgetting what living means

I want to see me in her, as I look into the glass
I want to see a content look as I look upon the staring lass
Someone content to live, to fight and to call her life as her own
Someone to hold the reins of her life and search for herself in the mass

All of this I want, without you anywhere near the stage
Breaking free is all I want, from all your emotionally scarred maze
You cant stop me nor am I going to stop at your plea
I now want to find myself as I hold my reflection's gaze